The Web Debut of the Apocalypse Gnomes

The Apocalypse Gnomes are out in force today. You can sense their presence when the very first instant you open your eyes in the morning, everything goes straight to hell. I have illustrated them for your convenience.

Apocolypse Gnomes

Note the dead, soulless eyes that burn with hellfire. Do not confuse with garden gnomes.

Wondering if you might have Apocalypse Gnomes? Do any of these sound familiar?

  • You are super blind, but awaken to find your glasses missing, contact case nowhere to be found, and a cat nearby.
  • You alarm clock didn’t go off.
  • The alarm clock cord has been chewed through.
  • You wake to your phone ringing, and it’s your boss, wondering where the hell you are.
  • Your shoes are missing and you have to leave the house NOW.
  • There’s this thing you know you saw last night, and you absolutely need it today, today is all about this thing, and it’s nowhere to be found.
  • You forgot your laundry in the washer, and you have no more decent clean or dry clothes.
  • You had this great outfit put together for the day only to discover a stain/rip/something that makes the whole thing unwearable and you throw on some ill-fitting crap because now you’re late.
  • Anything, and I mean anything, goes wrong with your coffee-making machinery or supplies.
  • Your keys are gone.
  • You get a call involving something you don’t want to deal with and pick it up, and it ruins your day, or don’t pick it up and worry about for the rest of the day.
  • You leave the house and pass the point-of-no-return, time-wise, for your commute, and realize you have forgotten a daily-use item essential to your day going right – phone, house keys, chapstick, wallet, etc.
  • You forgot your wallet, get to the point-of-no-return, and your low fuel light goes on.

All before you even get to work late.

Now this is not to say that any of these things happening by themselves are the work of the Apocalypse Gnomes. Even a few of these items together could just be a plain old bad day. It’s when these bad things compound exponentially, one right after another, back and forth and back and forth until you feel like the ball in game of ping pong with spiky paddles between Hastur and Ligur, Dukes of Hell*.

Of course there are infinite other ways to sense the Apocalypse Gnomes, but as they have been on my ass from the get-go today, I have not the energy to further describe their doucheiness. There have been dozens of ways they have messed with me today, but I’m exhausted and so done for the day. I am going to go cuddle with my honey, at least until one of us accidentally injures the other.

And we will. Because that, you see, is what the Apocalypse Gnomes do.

*You get a gold star if you know of whom I speak. You will be a person who does not answer telemarketing calls.